this is an essay about kittens

There is a 99% chance that as soon as they read this post, my entire family is going to delete me from Facebook.

…..about a month ago, J and I adopted two kittens.

BUT WAIT I CAN EXPLAIN.


Let's start from the beginning.
One morning, J and I woke up at the exact same second, bolted upright in bed, and declared that it was time for us to get a pet. (Or something like that.) The question quickly became, What kind? Birds were out of the question because birds are the absolute worst and I'd probably end up setting them free after five minutes. J suggested fish, but fish tanks always remind me of dentist offices and tacky nail salons, so that was out. Rabbits are smelly and neither of us are big fans of guinea pigs (who is?). Hamsters are messy and a reptile wasn't even up for discussion (ain't nobody got time for that).

So what was left?

Obviously my first choice was to bring home a litter of Golden Retriever puppies, but come on, how do you expect me to have a dog in New York City? I'm sort of amazed by people who live here and manage to own a dog. GET THIS. The other day I was walking around my neighborhood and a lady walked by with a Great Dane. A fully grown Great Dane!!! She acted like it was no big deal - as if waltzing around Manhattan with a 100lb dog was completely normal. I had so many questions for her. How do you fit him into your apartment? Can your downstairs neighbor hear every move he makes? Does your downstairs neighbor hate you? How many times a day do you have to get up and take him outside? What about when you're at work and he needs to go out?!?

Am I getting distracted? Ahem.

So, right. Dogs weren't exactly an option.

So, cats.

The reason I'm going to be scratched out of all my family photos and un-invited to Christmas dinner is because I come from a long line of Dog Lovers. I can't think of one person in my entire family - on either side - who has or has ever had a cat. Not one! Ever! And suddenly here I am with two. (They're gonna be be so mad!!) I can't blame them though. Up until four weeks ago I had never been remotely interested in even being near a cat. They're not cuddly, you can't take them on walks, they don't get excited when you come home from work, you can't teach them cool tricks. Etc. etc. etc. Cats are the worst.

But then…… I saw these cats.
Let the record show that our plan was to get one kitten. One. When we saw these two, we spent a good 15 minutes trying to decide which one we wanted to take home. Since it was too hard to choose (I mean, look at them), we decided to leave it up to fate and settle it over a lightning round of Rock-Paper-Scissors (the mature decision). It was riiiiiight as I was about to crush J's scissors with my rock that the ASPCA lady poked her head out of the office and was like, "What? Oh, sorry. You can't just take one of them. They're sisters! They can't be separated."

They're sisters. That's probably the oldest trick in the ASPCA Trick Book.
Nevertheless, we fell for it and skipped home with our two little kittens - and by "skipped home" I mean we put two kittens in a box, walked twenty blocks, and then rode the subway for an hour. It turns out that kittens don't like loud noises or speeding subway cars (who knew, right?) so by the time we got home, they were not pleased. It was a rough start.

Fortunately, things have mellowed out since then and I think it's safe to say we're all friends now. After spending a few hours debating if we could get away with naming the white one 'Walter White' (we couldn't), we finally decided on Olive and Ivy. For the record, I think the ASPCA lady was right about not separating them - these kittens love each other.

And so. That my friends is the story of how I came to be the (shameful) (but secretly thrilled) owner of two little kittens.

Tell my family I'm sorry!