on independency and taking yourself to dinner

so yesterday was sunday afternoon and it was pouring rain and we'd been in pajamas all day watching football and i figured it was about time to do some blogging.

i really didn't plan on disappearing for two weeks. it just sort of happened. j was out of town for awhile and i actually made all these grand plans to blog every day. every day! but one thing led to another and apparently, by 'made' i really meant 'imagined'. for whatever reason, it just didn't happen.

instead i spent a lot of quality time with myself.

if we're being honest (and i think that we are), i was pretty bummed when he left. j is my person. my do-everything-with person. so when he wasn't around all of a sudden, i was kind of at a loss for what to do. the apartment felt big and empty and the bed was way too big for just me. needless to say, it didn't take long for me to throw myself a nice little pity party. there was cake and everything.

melodrama, party of one.

so anyhow, after moping and pouting around the apartment for a little while, i decided to snap out of it and put my big girl pants on. i am an independent woman! (or so i declared - loudly - to all the plants in the living room) instead of thinking of two-weeks-at-home-by-myself as being lonely, i decided that it would be great. and it was.

i cleaned out my closet. wrote some long overdue letters. rode my bike with no destination in mind. went on runs. took a train ride to visit some of my very favorite people. started watching 'mad men' (which may or may not have accidentally taken up most of my me-time). picked up a few extra shifts at work. took a bath. lit some candles.

my biggest accomplishment of the week (drum roll, please) was going out to dinner - by myself.

it used to make me sad to see people eating in restaurants alone. but i have to say, there was something very liberating about it. i won't lie. the waitress did give me a couple of strange looks (are you sure there isn't anyone else joining you?). and i couldn't help but wonder if i looked like one of those people that used to make me sad. but! there was something really reassuring about the whole evening. i took my time. did some people-watching. ordered a tall glass of wine.

hot date, party of one.

i like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman. a feminist. you can do it! yes we can! go women, go! you know, someone who can stand on her own two feet. but when j left, i was actually sad. and if you ask me, that calls for a red flag. it's one thing to miss someone, and another to feel like you can't have any fun if they aren't around. after all, what kind of strong, independent woman depends so much on another person for her happiness?

it would be silly to say that a big giant part of my happiness doesn't come from j. of course it does! (didn't i tell you? he's my person) but during these past few weeks i remembered that i am my person, too. that being on my own isn't just okay, but actually really good (for me, and my relationship). it was a good lesson. a reminder that, you can do things by yourself. you create your own happiness. you are enough.